Comments for 498a.org blog http://www.498a.org/blog This blog is dedicated to victims of 498a. Come share your thoughts. Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:04:09 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5 Comment on reallife problem is another victim (BPD) by Prakash http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/03/21/reallife-problem-is-another-victim-bpd/#comment-243 Prakash Sat, 13 May 2006 01:17:22 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=86#comment-243 Please read the book 'stop walking on the eggshells' by Paul T. Mason MS and Randi Kreger. read the book at workplace or when your wife is not around. I don't say you will be able to cure her, but atleast you would know how to deal with her. Your life will be a little better because you read that book. Check commmon BPD symptoms (its in the book) As per some reports, there are millions of BPDs. You are not alone. Please read the book ’stop walking on the eggshells’ by Paul T. Mason MS and Randi Kreger.
read the book at workplace or when your wife is not around.

I don’t say you will be able to cure her, but atleast you would know how to deal with her.
Your life will be a little better because you read that book. Check commmon BPD symptoms (its in the book)
As per some reports, there are millions of BPDs. You are not alone.

]]> Comment on Jessica Lal murder case and IPC-498a misuse by anil http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/02/23/jessica-lal-murder-case-and-ipc-498a-misuse/#comment-185 anil Fri, 05 May 2006 11:38:24 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=73#comment-185 My Name : Anil Thipse Place : Pune My Case Subject : Threat of 498A · I and Anita got married on 23 June 2004. It was an arranged marriage. · She has parents and 2 sisters. One sister is un-married. · Her father works for a govt office as a clerk. · From the beginning I observed that they were very silent and reserved people. I felt highly of them. · Me and Anita met a few times before marriage but very less frequently due to my work pressure and schedule. · Again I observed that she was reserved and when she talked, it was only about herself, her friends, her relatives, her interactions etc. she never asked me about how I felt or in general about my well being. I took her as a pleasant person, anyway. · I did not much call her since I used to get very tired, and as a lecturer of computer subjects, I had too many things on my plate, always · Finally day of marriage came and I noticed she was never attached to me but was free with her own people. Even while doing ‘namaskar’ after all vidhi were done, she never made any attempt to be with me : my friends started asking me what was wrong. I tried to correct her but she was adamant · Later, she frequently rejected anything I told her, : whenever she went to market, to buy household and her personal things, I asked her to buy some of the things that she could easily manage to procure. But she was never inclined to get them. When she asked me to buy something for her, I used to promptly get it for her. · She showed total irresponsibility towards home front and broke all records for going to her natal home. She never asked permission, she always used to “declare” that she was going for 1-2 days. This was frequent. · The height of this was on the day of laxmi poojan when her mother suddenly came at 4 O’clock and asked her to go with her for some chit-chat at her natal home. We all were shocked by this since it is tradition that the ghar-ki-laxmi should be at her matrimonial home on the evening of laxmi poojan. The reason her mother gave for this was : “you will anyway not take her anywhere so I am taking her”. · She frequently showed dis-interest in offering food to me and made things which were quick. No love, caring attitude. I was supposed to heat the food and serve myself. She was either out of home or was busy watching her favorite program on TV. · My expectations were to have a wife who would be immediately a source of relief when I reached home after a long hard day : to caress me, to offer me a cup of tea lovingly and comfort me with her presence. · I tried to establish a bond frequently, in fact daily, but she showed less and less interest. Her main objective was that I should do all things for her, never probe into her affairs. Never expect proper sexual satisfaction, never ask her what expenses she did, accept all her limitations un-questionably and treat her, like a queen, and her parents like my bosses. · I realized she had very less thinking power, and never could provide to the husband with care and love. It was more like a hostel life. · Although she was physically very weak, she insisted she wanted to drive the maruti van : I told her she would end up with some severe accident one day and so not to drive the van at all. She never seemed to “understand” what I said. As usual, I was talking to a wall. I knew this girl would land me in serious trouble one day. · As usual, she used to plan outings with her relatives on the fly and just took the trouble of updating me on her plan : never asked if I really approved of the same or not. · Worst thing was she was more open to her relatives and reserved with me. · She expected glass table top, kitchen trolleys, a maruti zen. I quickly realised that dumb as she was, she had a irresistible inclination towards living a luxurious life and expected to live in high status. She had the “show off” mentality. Ordinary dining table was not OK for her. At that rate, I would not be able to do any saving since I was earning 20,000/- pm which is not lavish by today’s standards. When I tried to explain this to her, she was unable to grasp due to extremely limited thinking power and also her stubbornness. All she was interested in was status – saving, bank account, planning for retirement – were foreign terms for her. She believed in “Think of today not tomorrow”. · In issues not related to her or of which she had very little knowledge, she used to fight with me and tell me things with authority : things absolutely absurd and expected me to understand and accept. · She frequently fell ill : when it was not vomiting, it was sinus, other times it was piles. She later told me to take tablets for skin decease since she had the same and I would contact the same if I did not take precautions. We protected her and tried to help her out at all occasions. My mother mostly cooked the food and we allowed her to get total rest. My mother treated her as her own daughter : one of the reasons being the loving nature of my mother and secondly she was just thrilled to have a daughter-in-law. In general we had a lot of affection to the newly inducted member in our family. However, she was interested only in what she was getting , not aware of what was expected of her. · One day I noticed an exam receipt in her cupboard : I saw FY/SY/TY on it. I asked her whether she was giving B com exam. She said no it was M. Com exam. I realized she was lying since M Com does not have FY. SY and TY. I held her close and told her protectively that what ever happens, she should not lie : I told her I had no objection at all if her graduation was not complete (before marriage her father had told us she was a commerce graduate). · She never told me what expense she was doing. She never recorded any expenses. When I asked to keep a record of expenses (this actually she should be doing) she used to put lot of un-known expenses into “other expenses” – when I asked her what it was – she never answered. She never thought it fit to give an honest answer. The amount was not much, but the dis-honestly was totally un-acceptable to me. · The final blow on my trust came when I caught her red-handed handing over a dairy to her relative sister. The dairy contained all bad things about me – biased and altered. She has made her position safe and tried to put all blame on me as per what she wrote in the dairy. It was a log of what happened in our home on a daily basis. She skillfully altered all events and made it obvious that I was at fault at all times. If she had given it to her parents, I would not have objected or felt so bad after discovering it. But by giving it to a distant relative (maternal sister) all my trust in her vanished. I not only felt disgust for her, but was shocked beyond words at her stupidity. Tell me a wife who not only writes bad things about her own husband and on the top of that distribute it to her relatives ?! · This killed what ever left-over trust and love I had for her. · WE had a quarrel and I tried to reason with her and show her how deadly it would be (to our marriage ) to do such a thing. I tried to tell her the brutality of this thing she had done. She said “why did you touch my diary. You had no rights to touch it.”. I could not believe she had the guts to do all this and still be angry (and confident). I realised that she was a “read only” package. It was a “take it or leave it” package : something which lacked the ability to reason, understand and change as per circumstances. She had zero imagination power. Thus she was able to fathom the results of any action she intended to do. By doing this, she killed any left over trust that was there in the marriage. I started suspecting her more and more. Every time she went out, I used to doubt her intentions. · We started living separately : I hated to sleep with her and was disgusted with her thoughtless actions. Her constant outings and programs never stopped. During all her programs, I was supposed to “manage outside” bring food from hotel or do what ever I wanted to feed myself. · The biggest punishment for me was that she never bothered to satisfy me sexually. To bother about the husband’s needs was “irrelevant” to her. In return of lunch and dinner I was supposed to give her anything and everything that she wanted. · Another thing that was a constant source of irritation and mounting tension was her insistence that I bend to her parent’s wishes. Every time they called for any function , I was supposed to be available – irrespective of my work pressure and career initiatives. I was supposed to modify/alter all my programs to adjust to her parents’s wishes. Her mother, particularly was very dominating in nature – and just as thoughtless. (Don’t know whether she was more dominating or thoughtless) · When I did not get enough attention and caring from her, I resorted to hate her and fight with her (verbally). By hook or by crook I wanted her to be with me, love me and intensely interact with me. I wanted desperately to re-build the trust. This she never understood. Look s like her IQ and emotional quotient is practically zero. · All she ever wanted was friends, outings, status (beyond our capacity and at the cost of our saving plans) and constant enjoyment and no planning for tomorrow, and using husband as a tool of increasing her overall status. · Even in the matter of outings, I insisted that we 2 should go out together : but she wanted me to go with her and her relatives who supposedly planned outings. She wanted me as an “attachment” not as a lover and partner. This irritated me no end and made me feel hopeless. For me the marriage was something that had never happened and I never had a wife : she was just a sort of hostel partner. · All was not her fault : I had not taken her out as frequently as she wanted and wherever she wanted. I had put a lot of importance to my career. I also put my career first when her parents called for any social function. I was ready to go only when I had time – this was not acceptable to their family. · My other mistake was my short temperedness – instead of flying into a rage I should have tried to adjust with her – but she also did things that were even more disastrous than what I did. Although we had frequent quarrels, I never leaked out the news of trouble. While she went to the extent of creating a record (written) with all her “masala” in it. Probably some lawyer had told her to do this. · Finally, after a quarrel, she left to my parents home and announced she wanted a divorce. My parents tried to solve our problems but as usual she had come only to “update” us , not “ask” or “discuss”. · During her stay at my parent’s place, I told anita many times that I had changed to her liking and she would start liking me more and more if only she decided to cancel her decision of divorce. She was stubborn : worst part is it was not as a part of a mature decision but out of thoughtlessness and anger. Mostly she was planning to teach me a lesson using external help. I emphasized on finding a middle path so that none of us would be totally dissatisfied, and lead an acceptable quality of life : but she was “locked “ into that state : mostly she was beyond herself with anger and desire to take revenge. · She further told me that what she was planning to do would completely floor me : cause me to collapse. I would collapse so much that my parents would have to lift me up (both mentally and physically). Finally I told her to be kind enough to spare them – do whatever she wanted to do, to me. · She told my mother that she was planning this for last 1 month. (But did not find it fit to discuss the issue with us) · I felt, at this stage that it was time to start a constructive dialogue with people who I thought were more sensible and mature : her parents. · I took initiative and called her parents to my place (since their place has no privacy) and told them humbly but clearly that I had no interest in the divorce but was interested in finding a middle path to solve the problem – and start a happy and satisfying married life. They agreed and nodded their heads at all times. They even made passing comments on how much they felt that the situation can be improved. They left on a positive note but said “ you convince her what ever you have told us”. It was almost an instruction than a humble request. I agreed and decided to call her on the next day so that they would get some time to discuss the matter and reflect clearly (today) on the fact that I did not want to break the marriage. · One thing I had noticed right from the start : To them (her parents) , “Humility” was a foreign word. They were more used to ordering than requesting. Their elder son-in-law used to listen to them and abide by them. I was opposite, I used to tell them point blank I would attend their functions only if my office work and schedule permitted. This seemed to be an insult to them. · However, I felt elated and confident that after 2-3 discussions with them and Anita, the problem would be solved permanently. I did not know that all her parents intention was to collect sensitive information from me and later use it to their advantage. I had walked into the trap. · To me and my parents shock, the same day (of the discussion), in the evening a lawyers notice was present in our mail box. When we read it, we could not believe it. It said we (all the 3 of us) had harassed her and done un-told cruelty to her for dowry. · We approached a lawyer and showed him the same. He said this notice was an initial preparation for 498A case. So we should take steps very carefully. It was a “phausdari” case and needed careful handling. He also talked about anticipatory bail. · The notice sent by theire lawyer consisted of dowry harassment, physical , economic and mental torture of the wife by husband, mother and father in laws and throwing out the wife out of house for not bending to the demands of dowry. · Some time was required for the shock to subside and we began to think logically. My father collapsed after our visit with lawyer and had palpitations in the heart. Fortunately, with a tablet of sorbitret, it subsided. Next day a visit to the heart specialist was inevitable. · The heart expert told my father to take complete rest and not take any mental pressure under any circumstances. · First and the formost thing was EVIDENCE and knowledge. Our lawyer told us to collect all evidences that proved that things mentioned in their notice were false and fabricated. I collected evidence that proved that she did no leave my house in July (as mentioned in the notice) . This evidence was a calendar that had her notes on it : doodh khada and other marking she had done in August, sept, and even first week of Oct. She had accepted and signed video cable bill also in the month of Sept. so it was proved that she was living in my house till Oct first week. According to their notice, she was beaten and thrown out of the house in July. Other such evidences were also gleaned : newpapers that had her markings on them , magazines etc. · I purchased books on Divorce act, Dowry prohibition act,and searched net for info on 498A. Thanks to our great education system, I had no knowledge of what IPC was and what “plaintiff” or “respondent” or “anticipatory bail” meant. Thankfully there was no limit to information on the same and also about cruelty cases on the internet. I was surprised to see thousands of false accusation cases of a similar nature. In most cases, the reasons and circumstances were different but the cases created by the ‘learned’ lawyers were as if zerox copies of each other. They all said the same : that the wife was harassed for money and other valuables. In some cases it was just incompatibility, in some cases it was actually the wife who held the husband on tenter hooks and later proceeded to extract money. Many cases, of course, are genuine. The lawyers tend to make notices so that husband can be framed under dowry harassment act and cruelty (IPC 498A). · In the meanwhile our lawyer was told by their lawyer that a 498A was un-avoidable if we did not pay compensation for the “harassment”. (The two of them know each other very well ! we are suspicious they were planning anything before it was done. ) · I revolted at the thought of paying for what I had not done, but the threat, the notice all pointed towards a full-fledged 498A case. Our lawyer said : “be sensible, if you are arrested, any way you will end up paying more than what they are demanding. So instead of trying to be ‘hero’, pay up and settle the case”. My father is a heart patient and mother is too weak.. I too, am not exactly superman. So we decided to pay up. Our lawyer also wasted no time explaining to length how the police treat people in lockups (esp at night when they drink out of their minds) and that if a 498A happened, lockup was inevitable to us. The horror of imagining it was enough for us. We decided to pay. I personally thought that money can always be earned, but if I lost my daddy in the process, I would never be able to make up for the loss. · One more notice was issued by their lawyer, this time a Cr. PC 125 case in criminal court further alleging that I had tried to almost murder her, demanded a huge amount of money to buy a flat and threw her out of my home telling her to scoot and never come back, if she could not pay up. By now we were getting used to this yarn and it did not surprise us so much as it had done the first time. But the demand for alimony was definitely there. · My lawyer promptly got them to sign an affidavit that made them accept that they would not do any further allegations and charges against us directly or in-directly on a payment of compensation – 5 Lacs (in addition to under-the-table amount of 2 Lacs. The court receipt was of 4 Lacs) · The money was a large amount for us but we were saved from going to jail and facing police harassment. Especially, Thank God my father is still alive, although very weak now. (he experienced palpitations on the day we or the notice). Currently he has become absent minded and we are worried about him. · They don’t even bother to come to court now-a-days. From what lawyer tells us, they are not taking back their case as they have not paid their lawyer’s fees or because the lawyer wants a cut from the 2 lacs deposited in the court. Whatever it is, they will not take the case back, atleast for now. · We are hoping or rather, we know that God will protect us and release us from this torment. Un-Answered Questions and some points I have in mind :- 1. Damages Amount : On what basis do those wives claims 5,10,15 sometimes 20 lakhs in damages ? (I recently heard of a case in Mumbai where the wife was awarded 50 lakhs as compensation for cruelty.) On what paradigm/basis is this value calculated ? Should there not be some sensible logic to calculating this value ? A lady who does false allegations can easily claim 10 lakhs in damages without raising any eyebrows. This does not appeal to the mind in the very least. Other important things like, income tax for instance, is calculated according to some paradigm : the tax is calculated as per a defined process.(I feel, this value should be directly proportional to the acts of cruelty actually proven in the court of law, by the wife’s lawyer) 2. Custody only if they can provide proof : In case of complaints of cruelty and harassment / dowry, if the wife cannot provide any immediate proof (while filing the FIR) and none of her relatives/parents can immediately accept responsibility of providing the proof (to be given at a later date), the husband and his parents should not be arrested. It should be mandatory on the part of wife’s parents to provide an affidavit solemnly stating that the claims of cruelty that they make in FIR are true and they can provide hard-core evidence to that effect. Affidavit should bear sign of lawyer who has analyzed the evidence and who should declare that the evidence indeed is valid and warrants arrest of the guilty party. Evidence should consist of : a. Documentary evidence AND/OR b. Witnesses who are ready to face cross examination (who claim to have witnessed incidences of cruelty/harassment) If no such affidavit can be provided, the husband, must be asked to provide weekly attendance to the police station to prove his availability. He should be regarded as “doubted criminal : a possible criminal but not a confirmed criminal” If he cannot be present, somebody on his behalf should take responsibility. If he fails to provide attendance, only then police should take him into custody. Same logic applies to his relatives/ parents who are mentioned in the FIR. 3. Punish if guilt is proven : Arrest should be done only when clear cut evidence is given in court and it is proved beyond doubt that the husband is guilty of cruelty (for which upto 2 years imprisonment and fine should be awarded as per provisions of 498A. Same logic should apply to any other relative / parents of the husband). In case of proven allegations, the husband not only should get jail but must be kept on record as “harasser and evil-doer” and for him re-marriage for the next 5 years should be considered as a cognizable offence. Also the amount of money to be paid as compensation should be equivalent to the proved evidence – not too less or too more, and according to his assets (according to some mature logic). 4. Punishment for not providing proof : If wife cannot prove her allegations the case should be dismissed and wife should be made to pay damages to husband. Amount of damages should be proportional to the amount of allegations (which she could not prove) @ 50,000/- per allegation for lower middle class girl.(80,000/- for middle class and 1,20,000/- for higher middle class ). More the allegations, more the amount in damages. If she cannot provide the damages amount, jail should be inevitable. 5. Punishment if allegations are proved wrong : If the husband, in turn proves beyond doubt that wife has made false allegations wife should be awarded imprisonment (upto 2 years) and fine. She should be branded as “cheat and liar” and re-marriage for the next 5 years should be a cognizable criminal offence for her.Her parents too should be jailed for same period for having being accessory to their daughter’s crime. 6. Sensible time frame for lodging complaint : Why is it that she can lodge a complaint 3-4 months or even years after the actual act of cruelty takes place ? I feel the complaint should be considered as null and void if it is made after 4 weeks of the incident. If the cruelty is so serious that she wishes to go to police, why cant it be done in less than a month : why do they need to wait for 1 year and then lodge a complaint ? (were they eating chiwada in that 1 year ?) 7. Punish for taking back the case : If the wife suddenly wants to withdraw the case, she should be governed as per point 4 above.It should be assumed that her complain was false. She may however, provide evidence and still take back her case (she wishes to forgive her husband). In which case she will not be made to pay damages. 8. Mental Harassment : Does affect the body : For allegations of mental harassment, definitely there would be some physical signs : like loss of weight, homogram : why do they never check this before arresting the husband’s parents ? the police should insist on some other persons to come to police station and offers signed documents declaring that they have seen her facing the cruelty and they are ready to offer themselves as witnesses at a cross examination at any time (as deemed fit by the court). Just as a loan is sanctioned by a bank only when sufficient security is promised and provided, similarly, the police should arrest husband , and his parents only when the wife’s relatives are ready to to stand a cross exam and can give an affidavit that they can provide evidence in the court of law , as and when required. Police should first take their signatures and then only proceed with arrest. If later, those people fail to provide sufficient evidence (as they claimed earlier), they should be jailed. 9. Warn-first (constructive approach) : There should be a WARN-FIRST system : when a lady does such a complaint, and she does not show any obvious signs of harassment/torture/ or in case she was never hospitalised, the husband with in-laws should be called to PS and given a solid warning. Also, their names, address should be kept on record and he must be asked to provide attendance for next 2-3 weeks (once a week) This way he will feel some minimum pressure by seeing those police officers every week, and also will get a chance to improve. If he defaults for the second time, the wife and her people are free to take the legal course. After the first warning, counseling should also be provided to go to the root of the problem and try and solve it, rather that just put the husband and his parents behind bars. As you can see, the whole focus should be constructive and curative : nipping the problem in the bud and not killing the problem (along innocent people along with it) with a bomb. 10. Conclusion : Law should consider both wife and husband as equals, and should deal with both equally. 11. Prevention better than cure : For all yet-to-happen marriages, following things should be made compulsory (this is an effort to reduce the ever-increasing divorce rate ) : a. The couple (about to be married) should be allowed to meet for at least 3 months before marriage is finalised. A certificate signed by both to that effect stating that they have know each other for 3 months and find each other acceptable and most importantly, COMPATIBLE ( as now-a-days nobody wants to compromise on anything.) The bullying tactics of typically daughter’s parents should not be tolerated at all. It is often observed that hardly after the first or second meeting of the prospective groom and bride, that they start forcing the boy’s parents to fix up a date and commit to the marriage. Very often, a flaw in the girl’s/boy’s behavior is never brought to notice of the boy/girl or his/her family because of this hurriedness. b. Marriage counseling well before marriage should be compulsory : it should be illegal to marry without a report from the counselor (stating the both bride and groom are compatible and have similar interests and mindsets). (The tendency should be “look for trouble and isolate + kill it rather than wait for disaster to happen”) c. An affidavit should be signed by prospective wife that she has agreed to marriage on her free will ( and not forced by her parents) and she was and is never forced to pay up any dowry amount. What ever her parents have given or want to give is by way of blessings and gifts – not as dowry. This will be a constant protection to the husband (from false allegations). d. A total and detailed medical checkup must be made mandatory for both husband and wife so that they are certified as fit or their deceases are exposed (if any) in the certificate. e. In all above cases, examinations must be done from practicing professional who would be neutral to both parties. f. Educational qualification and work place/salary of husband and wife should be subjected to verification (in many cases husbands exaggerate their salaries while wife’s parent keep the groom’s parents in the dark about some serious decease the wife has. Same thing about his/her qualification. ) g. A detailed form (almost like a document that may run into several pages) must be filled by both which will provide vital information to them. Both should fill up and exchange form that contains : (logic : people don’t easily speak up. But do not hesitate to write. Written communication can remove the limitations created by spoken communication.) i. “likes and dis-likes’” ii. addictions, if any (from supari to poison) iii. Hobbies iv. General Goals in life v. Life style : how much u spend per month, what u drive (2 wheeler, car,plane, yatch, What kind of home u want, do u like to keep animals in home ?, food and drinks u like, food and drinks u hate to have , which place u would like to stay after marriage, in a flat or bungalow or row house ?, what does “luxury” mean to you ?) vi. Career goals in life ( + education goals.) vii. Expectations from spouse (V Imp !!. Large no. of divorces are due to mismatch of expectations !) 1. ‘Expectations from spouse ‘ To be divided into BASIC expectations (MUST be met), ADDITIONAL Expectations (at least 60% should be met) and GOOD-to-have things (added advantage, but not compulsory) in spouse. viii. My dream partner : a small paragraph on what my dream partner should be like. ix. Whether joint/nuclear family is preferred (to be filled up by wife) x. What I can stand and cannot stand xi. A day in my life : complete list of activities and events from morning till night on an average day. (this will help the other party know how the writer spends his/her day) xii. Expectations related to kids. (Qty, education, dreams that u have about kids) xiii. Expectations related to sex life. (style, type and frequency (times in a week), what u prefer, what not preferred) xiv. Expectations related to social life xv. A page on “The worst mistakes I made in life” xvi. Hate list : things that I just cannot stand. (for eg : Drinking , non-veg, gutkha, etc) h. A final document before marriage happens : Both should be made to sign a spouse character certificate that goes something like : i. “I have interacted with him/her and find him/her peace loving and lovable and also compatible. I will not hesitate to spend my entire life with him/her.” i. All above documents must be made compulsory. Entering into marriage without those document should be regarded as a severe offence and both should be liable to be jailed. j. After marriage is solemnized, continuously for a period of 2 years, the husband and wife should sign documents and provide them to the legal authority that they are both happy and have no complaints. This should be done every 3 months for the entire duration. All above checks and counter checks will make sure that marriage are not so casually and suddenly planned as it happens now a days. Also, it will be made sure that no party is hiding anything from the other party. Also, it will ensure that nothing is hidden from either party in terms of social , economic, physical, sexual and other parameters – no party will get “surprises” from the other party after marriage (or very few surprises, in worst cases). Neither the bride’s nor the groom’s parents should force the other party to “quickly fix up a suitable date” for the marriage. In short, marriage process should be lengthy and should ascertain Reasonably high compatibility between husband and wife before marriage itself. 12. Advantages of above system : a boy and girl will marry only if they are both satisfied that they are compatible. Also, later if deviations (behavioral) from the above declarations are found, the aggrieved party can photograph/record the deviations in behavior and produce that as proof in court and demand a divorce. For eg : The husband has declared before marriage (in the above form) that he does not drink and does not intend to drink later in his life. The wife, one fine day, finds him drinking out of his mind. She may take photos (with a calendar placed close to the husband ) to prove the date on which he was drinking and produce that as evidence in the court and also demand a divorce and some amount for damages. ) He will be held guilty of declaring false information before marriage and made to pay damages, even sent to jail in cases where cruelty is proven. Same logic husband can use against wife. If she says in the form that she is simple and good natured person and in reality she abuses and harasses the husband verbally every now and then. He can record all her shouting secretly and produce that in court and demand immediate relief from the marriage and torture. She will have to admit her guilt (as her abuse is on record) pay fine and might even be jailed. 13. Just after Marriage : Just after the marriage a detailed document should be prepared that enlists the gifts given by each party’s side to the couple. They should be clearly identified as “gifts” so that they are not later interpreted as dowry. This will make sure that false allegations are not done later for the same articles. The document must be submitted to a legal authority as proof of recp of gifts. 14. Legal education must be made compulsory from 11th std onwards for all streams. People are so ignorant about law that a. They don’t know definition of terms like cruelty/intimidation and its legal implications. (I am sure no boy will want to get married if he reads about the Domestic Violence Act J or IPC 498A) b. a person involved in a 498A case does not know meaning of terms like petitioner and respondent or things like “misc application” or “bail”. c. What terms like “dowry” mean : what will happen of a person does not maintain documents of gifts recd during marriage and gets it signed from wife. d. They don’t know what IPC / Cr. P.C stands for and what provisions are made in it. By educating the masses about law, it will be ensured that people atleast know what they are doing and what are the legal implications of what they are doing. 15. By end of senior collage level, students should be well versed with IPC and Criminal PC and should be updated on the latest amendments specifically to laws relating to Divorce, Marriage, Cruelty, Dowry. The husband or wife should never be caught in a situation like “ I did not know what I was doing is cruelty and punishable offence”. 16. Females should also be well versed with concepts of cruelty and know that they can also do equal if not more cruelty to the husband by their nagging/emotional torture, verbal abuse and emotional abuse. It is because of them that husbands cannot retire early and lead a peaceful life. 17. A compulsory subject on Domestic violence should be there for all streams of senior collage : so that the students coming out of collage (particularly males) are not machines but gentlemen and treats female counter parts with respect. Same logic applies to females : they should know that they are no marrying to the “king” of their dreams but an ordinary human being who can get wild at times. (just as they get emotional and wild at times) 18. This is the time when spiritual learning has assumed paramount importance. Concept of Karma, paap, punya, effects of doing evil karma, concepts of hevan and hell as explain in Garud pooraan, Das Bodh, Geeta, Nath Bhagwat etc should be taught to students at junior and senoir collage level. The message is clear : if you do evil you will get evil. This message should be well understood by girls so that they know that by harassing elder people by false allegations they are building up a lot of evil karma the effects of which later they will have to face – the law of karma always works – be it satya yoog or kali yoog.Transliteration of those spiritual books should be made compulsory for study from 11th std upto the last year of senior collage. Every Hindu must be well aware of teachings of the Geeta : This great book should be compulsory to all streams : be it medicine, engineering. Other books like “The Tibetan book of the Dead” should be encouraged. Main idea here is to instill fear for doing evil. My Name : Anil Thipse
Place : Pune

My Case
Subject : Threat of 498A

· I and Anita got married on 23 June 2004. It was an arranged marriage.
· She has parents and 2 sisters. One sister is un-married.
· Her father works for a govt office as a clerk.
· From the beginning I observed that they were very silent and reserved people. I felt highly of them.
· Me and Anita met a few times before marriage but very less frequently due to my work pressure and schedule.
· Again I observed that she was reserved and when she talked, it was only about herself, her friends, her relatives, her interactions etc. she never asked me about how I felt or in general about my well being. I took her as a pleasant person, anyway.
· I did not much call her since I used to get very tired, and as a lecturer of computer subjects, I had too many things on my plate, always
· Finally day of marriage came and I noticed she was never attached to me but was free with her own people. Even while doing ‘namaskar’ after all vidhi were done, she never made any attempt to be with me : my friends started asking me what was wrong. I tried to correct her but she was adamant
· Later, she frequently rejected anything I told her, : whenever she went to market, to buy household and her personal things, I asked her to buy some of the things that she could easily manage to procure. But she was never inclined to get them. When she asked me to buy something for her, I used to promptly get it for her.
· She showed total irresponsibility towards home front and broke all records for going to her natal home. She never asked permission, she always used to “declare” that she was going for 1-2 days. This was frequent.
· The height of this was on the day of laxmi poojan when her mother suddenly came at 4 O’clock and asked her to go with her for some chit-chat at her natal home. We all were shocked by this since it is tradition that the ghar-ki-laxmi should be at her matrimonial home on the evening of laxmi poojan. The reason her mother gave for this was : “you will anyway not take her anywhere so I am taking her”.
· She frequently showed dis-interest in offering food to me and made things which were quick. No love, caring attitude. I was supposed to heat the food and serve myself. She was either out of home or was busy watching her favorite program on TV.
· My expectations were to have a wife who would be immediately a source of relief when I reached home after a long hard day : to caress me, to offer me a cup of tea lovingly and comfort me with her presence.
· I tried to establish a bond frequently, in fact daily, but she showed less and less interest. Her main objective was that I should do all things for her, never probe into her affairs. Never expect proper sexual satisfaction, never ask her what expenses she did, accept all her limitations un-questionably and treat her, like a queen, and her parents like my bosses.
· I realized she had very less thinking power, and never could provide to the husband with care and love. It was more like a hostel life.
· Although she was physically very weak, she insisted she wanted to drive the maruti van : I told her she would end up with some severe accident one day and so not to drive the van at all. She never seemed to “understand” what I said. As usual, I was talking to a wall. I knew this girl would land me in serious trouble one day.
· As usual, she used to plan outings with her relatives on the fly and just took the trouble of updating me on her plan : never asked if I really approved of the same or not.
· Worst thing was she was more open to her relatives and reserved with me.
· She expected glass table top, kitchen trolleys, a maruti zen. I quickly realised that dumb as she was, she had a irresistible inclination towards living a luxurious life and expected to live in high status. She had the “show off” mentality. Ordinary dining table was not OK for her. At that rate, I would not be able to do any saving since I was earning 20,000/- pm which is not lavish by today’s standards. When I tried to explain this to her, she was unable to grasp due to extremely limited thinking power and also her stubbornness. All she was interested in was status – saving, bank account, planning for retirement – were foreign terms for her. She believed in “Think of today not tomorrow”.
· In issues not related to her or of which she had very little knowledge, she used to fight with me and tell me things with authority : things absolutely absurd and expected me to understand and accept.
· She frequently fell ill : when it was not vomiting, it was sinus, other times it was piles. She later told me to take tablets for skin decease since she had the same and I would contact the same if I did not take precautions. We protected her and tried to help her out at all occasions. My mother mostly cooked the food and we allowed her to get total rest. My mother treated her as her own daughter : one of the reasons being the loving nature of my mother and secondly she was just thrilled to have a daughter-in-law. In general we had a lot of affection to the newly inducted member in our family. However, she was interested only in what she was getting , not aware of what was expected of her.
· One day I noticed an exam receipt in her cupboard : I saw FY/SY/TY on it. I asked her whether she was giving B com exam. She said no it was M. Com exam. I realized she was lying since M Com does not have FY. SY and TY. I held her close and told her protectively that what ever happens, she should not lie : I told her I had no objection at all if her graduation was not complete (before marriage her father had told us she was a commerce graduate).
· She never told me what expense she was doing. She never recorded any expenses. When I asked to keep a record of expenses (this actually she should be doing) she used to put lot of un-known expenses into “other expenses” – when I asked her what it was – she never answered. She never thought it fit to give an honest answer. The amount was not much, but the dis-honestly was totally un-acceptable to me.
· The final blow on my trust came when I caught her red-handed handing over a dairy to her relative sister. The dairy contained all bad things about me – biased and altered. She has made her position safe and tried to put all blame on me as per what she wrote in the dairy. It was a log of what happened in our home on a daily basis. She skillfully altered all events and made it obvious that I was at fault at all times. If she had given it to her parents, I would not have objected or felt so bad after discovering it. But by giving it to a distant relative (maternal sister) all my trust in her vanished. I not only felt disgust for her, but was shocked beyond words at her stupidity. Tell me a wife who not only writes bad things about her own husband and on the top of that distribute it to her relatives ?!
· This killed what ever left-over trust and love I had for her.
· WE had a quarrel and I tried to reason with her and show her how deadly it would be (to our marriage ) to do such a thing. I tried to tell her the brutality of this thing she had done. She said “why did you touch my diary. You had no rights to touch it.”. I could not believe she had the guts to do all this and still be angry (and confident). I realised that she was a “read only” package. It was a “take it or leave it” package : something which lacked the ability to reason, understand and change as per circumstances. She had zero imagination power. Thus she was able to fathom the results of any action she intended to do. By doing this, she killed any left over trust that was there in the marriage. I started suspecting her more and more. Every time she went out, I used to doubt her intentions.
· We started living separately : I hated to sleep with her and was disgusted with her thoughtless actions. Her constant outings and programs never stopped. During all her programs, I was supposed to “manage outside” bring food from hotel or do what ever I wanted to feed myself.
· The biggest punishment for me was that she never bothered to satisfy me sexually. To bother about the husband’s needs was “irrelevant” to her. In return of lunch and dinner I was supposed to give her anything and everything that she wanted.
· Another thing that was a constant source of irritation and mounting tension was her insistence that I bend to her parent’s wishes. Every time they called for any function , I was supposed to be available – irrespective of my work pressure and career initiatives. I was supposed to modify/alter all my programs to adjust to her parents’s wishes. Her mother, particularly was very dominating in nature – and just as thoughtless. (Don’t know whether she was more dominating or thoughtless)
· When I did not get enough attention and caring from her, I resorted to hate her and fight with her (verbally). By hook or by crook I wanted her to be with me, love me and intensely interact with me. I wanted desperately to re-build the trust. This she never understood. Look s like her IQ and emotional quotient is practically zero.
· All she ever wanted was friends, outings, status (beyond our capacity and at the cost of our saving plans) and constant enjoyment and no planning for tomorrow, and using husband as a tool of increasing her overall status.
· Even in the matter of outings, I insisted that we 2 should go out together : but she wanted me to go with her and her relatives who supposedly planned outings. She wanted me as an “attachment” not as a lover and partner. This irritated me no end and made me feel hopeless. For me the marriage was something that had never happened and I never had a wife : she was just a sort of hostel partner.
· All was not her fault : I had not taken her out as frequently as she wanted and wherever she wanted. I had put a lot of importance to my career. I also put my career first when her parents called for any social function. I was ready to go only when I had time – this was not acceptable to their family.
· My other mistake was my short temperedness – instead of flying into a rage I should have tried to adjust with her – but she also did things that were even more disastrous than what I did. Although we had frequent quarrels, I never leaked out the news of trouble. While she went to the extent of creating a record (written) with all her “masala” in it. Probably some lawyer had told her to do this.
· Finally, after a quarrel, she left to my parents home and announced she wanted a divorce. My parents tried to solve our problems but as usual she had come only to “update” us , not “ask” or “discuss”.
· During her stay at my parent’s place, I told anita many times that I had changed to her liking and she would start liking me more and more if only she decided to cancel her decision of divorce. She was stubborn : worst part is it was not as a part of a mature decision but out of thoughtlessness and anger. Mostly she was planning to teach me a lesson using external help. I emphasized on finding a middle path so that none of us would be totally dissatisfied, and lead an acceptable quality of life : but she was “locked “ into that state : mostly she was beyond herself with anger and desire to take revenge.
· She further told me that what she was planning to do would completely floor me : cause me to collapse. I would collapse so much that my parents would have to lift me up (both mentally and physically). Finally I told her to be kind enough to spare them – do whatever she wanted to do, to me.
· She told my mother that she was planning this for last 1 month. (But did not find it fit to discuss the issue with us)
· I felt, at this stage that it was time to start a constructive dialogue with people who I thought were more sensible and mature : her parents.
· I took initiative and called her parents to my place (since their place has no privacy) and told them humbly but clearly that I had no interest in the divorce but was interested in finding a middle path to solve the problem – and start a happy and satisfying married life. They agreed and nodded their heads at all times. They even made passing comments on how much they felt that the situation can be improved. They left on a positive note but said “ you convince her what ever you have told us”. It was almost an instruction than a humble request. I agreed and decided to call her on the next day so that they would get some time to discuss the matter and reflect clearly (today) on the fact that I did not want to break the marriage.
· One thing I had noticed right from the start : To them (her parents) , “Humility” was a foreign word. They were more used to ordering than requesting. Their elder son-in-law used to listen to them and abide by them. I was opposite, I used to tell them point blank I would attend their functions only if my office work and schedule permitted. This seemed to be an insult to them.
· However, I felt elated and confident that after 2-3 discussions with them and Anita, the problem would be solved permanently. I did not know that all her parents intention was to collect sensitive information from me and later use it to their advantage. I had walked into the trap.
· To me and my parents shock, the same day (of the discussion), in the evening a lawyers notice was present in our mail box. When we read it, we could not believe it. It said we (all the 3 of us) had harassed her and done un-told cruelty to her for dowry.
· We approached a lawyer and showed him the same. He said this notice was an initial preparation for 498A case. So we should take steps very carefully. It was a “phausdari” case and needed careful handling. He also talked about anticipatory bail.
· The notice sent by theire lawyer consisted of dowry harassment, physical , economic and mental torture of the wife by husband, mother and father in laws and throwing out the wife out of house for not bending to the demands of dowry.
· Some time was required for the shock to subside and we began to think logically. My father collapsed after our visit with lawyer and had palpitations in the heart. Fortunately, with a tablet of sorbitret, it subsided. Next day a visit to the heart specialist was inevitable.
· The heart expert told my father to take complete rest and not take any mental pressure under any circumstances.
· First and the formost thing was EVIDENCE and knowledge. Our lawyer told us to collect all evidences that proved that things mentioned in their notice were false and fabricated. I collected evidence that proved that she did no leave my house in July (as mentioned in the notice) . This evidence was a calendar that had her notes on it : doodh khada and other marking she had done in August, sept, and even first week of Oct. She had accepted and signed video cable bill also in the month of Sept. so it was proved that she was living in my house till Oct first week. According to their notice, she was beaten and thrown out of the house in July. Other such evidences were also gleaned : newpapers that had her markings on them , magazines etc.
· I purchased books on Divorce act, Dowry prohibition act,and searched net for info on 498A. Thanks to our great education system, I had no knowledge of what IPC was and what “plaintiff” or “respondent” or “anticipatory bail” meant. Thankfully there was no limit to information on the same and also about cruelty cases on the internet. I was surprised to see thousands of false accusation cases of a similar nature. In most cases, the reasons and circumstances were different but the cases created by the ‘learned’ lawyers were as if zerox copies of each other. They all said the same : that the wife was harassed for money and other valuables. In some cases it was just incompatibility, in some cases it was actually the wife who held the husband on tenter hooks and later proceeded to extract money. Many cases, of course, are genuine. The lawyers tend to make notices so that husband can be framed under dowry harassment act and cruelty (IPC 498A).
· In the meanwhile our lawyer was told by their lawyer that a 498A was un-avoidable if we did not pay compensation for the “harassment”. (The two of them know each other very well ! we are suspicious they were planning anything before it was done. )
· I revolted at the thought of paying for what I had not done, but the threat, the notice all pointed towards a full-fledged 498A case. Our lawyer said : “be sensible, if you are arrested, any way you will end up paying more than what they are demanding. So instead of trying to be ‘hero’, pay up and settle the case”. My father is a heart patient and mother is too weak.. I too, am not exactly superman. So we decided to pay up. Our lawyer also wasted no time explaining to length how the police treat people in lockups (esp at night when they drink out of their minds) and that if a 498A happened, lockup was inevitable to us. The horror of imagining it was enough for us. We decided to pay. I personally thought that money can always be earned, but if I lost my daddy in the process, I would never be able to make up for the loss.
· One more notice was issued by their lawyer, this time a Cr. PC 125 case in criminal court further alleging that I had tried to almost murder her, demanded a huge amount of money to buy a flat and threw her out of my home telling her to scoot and never come back, if she could not pay up. By now we were getting used to this yarn and it did not surprise us so much as it had done the first time. But the demand for alimony was definitely there.
· My lawyer promptly got them to sign an affidavit that made them accept that they would not do any further allegations and charges against us directly or in-directly on a payment of compensation – 5 Lacs (in addition to under-the-table amount of 2 Lacs. The court receipt was of 4 Lacs)
· The money was a large amount for us but we were saved from going to jail and facing police harassment. Especially, Thank God my father is still alive, although very weak now. (he experienced palpitations on the day we or the notice). Currently he has become absent minded and we are worried about him.
· They don’t even bother to come to court now-a-days. From what lawyer tells us, they are not taking back their case as they have not paid their lawyer’s fees or because the lawyer wants a cut from the 2 lacs deposited in the court. Whatever it is, they will not take the case back, atleast for now.
· We are hoping or rather, we know that God will protect us and release us from this torment.
Un-Answered Questions and some points I have in mind :-

1. Damages Amount : On what basis do those wives claims 5,10,15 sometimes 20 lakhs in damages ? (I recently heard of a case in Mumbai where the wife was awarded 50 lakhs as compensation for cruelty.) On what paradigm/basis is this value calculated ? Should there not be some sensible logic to calculating this value ? A lady who does false allegations can easily claim 10 lakhs in damages without raising any eyebrows. This does not appeal to the mind in the very least. Other important things like, income tax for instance, is calculated according to some paradigm : the tax is calculated as per a defined process.(I feel, this value should be directly proportional to the acts of cruelty actually proven in the court of law, by the wife’s lawyer)

2. Custody only if they can provide proof : In case of complaints of cruelty and harassment / dowry, if the wife cannot provide any immediate proof (while filing the FIR) and none of her relatives/parents can immediately accept responsibility of providing the proof (to be given at a later date), the husband and his parents should not be arrested. It should be mandatory on the part of wife’s parents to provide an affidavit solemnly stating that the claims of cruelty that they make in FIR are true and they can provide hard-core evidence to that effect. Affidavit should bear sign of lawyer who has analyzed the evidence and who should declare that the evidence indeed is valid and warrants arrest of the guilty party. Evidence should consist of :
a. Documentary evidence AND/OR
b. Witnesses who are ready to face cross examination (who claim to have witnessed incidences of cruelty/harassment)
If no such affidavit can be provided, the husband, must be asked to provide weekly attendance to the police station to prove his availability. He should be regarded as “doubted criminal : a possible criminal but not a confirmed criminal” If he cannot be present, somebody on his behalf should take responsibility. If he fails to provide attendance, only then police should take him into custody. Same logic applies to his relatives/ parents who are mentioned in the FIR.

3. Punish if guilt is proven : Arrest should be done only when clear cut evidence is given in court and it is proved beyond doubt that the husband is guilty of cruelty (for which upto 2 years imprisonment and fine should be awarded as per provisions of 498A. Same logic should apply to any other relative / parents of the husband). In case of proven allegations, the husband not only should get jail but must be kept on record as “harasser and evil-doer” and for him re-marriage for the next 5 years should be considered as a cognizable offence. Also the amount of money to be paid as compensation should be equivalent to the proved evidence – not too less or too more, and according to his assets (according to some mature logic).

4. Punishment for not providing proof : If wife cannot prove her allegations the case should be dismissed and wife should be made to pay damages to husband. Amount of damages should be proportional to the amount of allegations (which she could not prove) @ 50,000/- per allegation for lower middle class girl.(80,000/- for middle class and 1,20,000/- for higher middle class ). More the allegations, more the amount in damages. If she cannot provide the damages amount, jail should be inevitable.

5. Punishment if allegations are proved wrong : If the husband, in turn proves beyond doubt that wife has made false allegations wife should be awarded imprisonment (upto 2 years) and fine. She should be branded as “cheat and liar” and re-marriage for the next 5 years should be a cognizable criminal offence for her.Her parents too should be jailed for same period for having being accessory to their daughter’s crime.

6. Sensible time frame for lodging complaint : Why is it that she can lodge a complaint 3-4 months or even years after the actual act of cruelty takes place ? I feel the complaint should be considered as null and void if it is made after 4 weeks of the incident. If the cruelty is so serious that she wishes to go to police, why cant it be done in less than a month : why do they need to wait for 1 year and then lodge a complaint ? (were they eating chiwada in that 1 year ?)

7. Punish for taking back the case : If the wife suddenly wants to withdraw the case, she should be governed as per point 4 above.It should be assumed that her complain was false. She may however, provide evidence and still take back her case (she wishes to forgive her husband). In which case she will not be made to pay damages.

8. Mental Harassment : Does affect the body : For allegations of mental harassment, definitely there would be some physical signs : like loss of weight, homogram : why do they never check this before arresting the husband’s parents ? the police should insist on some other persons to come to police station and offers signed documents declaring that they have seen her facing the cruelty and they are ready to offer themselves as witnesses at a cross examination at any time (as deemed fit by the court). Just as a loan is sanctioned by a bank only when sufficient security is promised and provided, similarly, the police should arrest husband , and his parents only when the wife’s relatives are ready to to stand a cross exam and can give an affidavit that they can provide evidence in the court of law , as and when required. Police should first take their signatures and then only proceed with arrest. If later, those people fail to provide sufficient evidence (as they claimed earlier), they should be jailed.

9. Warn-first (constructive approach) : There should be a WARN-FIRST system : when a lady does such a complaint, and she does not show any obvious signs of harassment/torture/ or in case she was never hospitalised, the husband with in-laws should be called to PS and given a solid warning. Also, their names, address should be kept on record and he must be asked to provide attendance for next 2-3 weeks (once a week) This way he will feel some minimum pressure by seeing those police officers every week, and also will get a chance to improve. If he defaults for the second time, the wife and her people are free to take the legal course. After the first warning, counseling should also be provided to go to the root of the problem and try and solve it, rather that just put the husband and his parents behind bars. As you can see, the whole focus should be constructive and curative : nipping the problem in the bud and not killing the problem (along innocent people along with it) with a bomb.

10. Conclusion : Law should consider both wife and husband as equals, and should deal with both equally.

11. Prevention better than cure : For all yet-to-happen marriages, following things should be made compulsory (this is an effort to reduce the ever-increasing divorce rate ) :

a. The couple (about to be married) should be allowed to meet for at least 3 months before marriage is finalised. A certificate signed by both to that effect stating that they have know each other for 3 months and find each other acceptable and most importantly, COMPATIBLE ( as now-a-days nobody wants to compromise on anything.) The bullying tactics of typically daughter’s parents should not be tolerated at all. It is often observed that hardly after the first or second meeting of the prospective groom and bride, that they start forcing the boy’s parents to fix up a date and commit to the marriage. Very often, a flaw in the girl’s/boy’s behavior is never brought to notice of the boy/girl or his/her family because of this hurriedness.
b. Marriage counseling well before marriage should be compulsory : it should be illegal to marry without a report from the counselor (stating the both bride and groom are compatible and have similar interests and mindsets). (The tendency should be “look for trouble and isolate + kill it rather than wait for disaster to happen”)
c. An affidavit should be signed by prospective wife that she has agreed to marriage on her free will ( and not forced by her parents) and she was and is never forced to pay up any dowry amount. What ever her parents have given or want to give is by way of blessings and gifts – not as dowry. This will be a constant protection to the husband (from false allegations).
d. A total and detailed medical checkup must be made mandatory for both husband and wife so that they are certified as fit or their deceases are exposed (if any) in the certificate.
e. In all above cases, examinations must be done from practicing professional who would be neutral to both parties.
f. Educational qualification and work place/salary of husband and wife should be subjected to verification (in many cases husbands exaggerate their salaries while wife’s parent keep the groom’s parents in the dark about some serious decease the wife has. Same thing about his/her qualification. )
g. A detailed form (almost like a document that may run into several pages) must be filled by both which will provide vital information to them. Both should fill up and exchange form that contains : (logic : people don’t easily speak up. But do not hesitate to write. Written communication can remove the limitations created by spoken communication.)
i. “likes and dis-likes’”
ii. addictions, if any (from supari to poison)
iii. Hobbies
iv. General Goals in life
v. Life style : how much u spend per month, what u drive (2 wheeler, car,plane, yatch, What kind of home u want, do u like to keep animals in home ?, food and drinks u like, food and drinks u hate to have , which place u would like to stay after marriage, in a flat or bungalow or row house ?, what does “luxury” mean to you ?)
vi. Career goals in life ( + education goals.)
vii. Expectations from spouse (V Imp !!. Large no. of divorces are due to mismatch of expectations !)
1. ‘Expectations from spouse ‘ To be divided into BASIC expectations (MUST be met), ADDITIONAL Expectations (at least 60% should be met) and GOOD-to-have things (added advantage, but not compulsory) in spouse.
viii. My dream partner : a small paragraph on what my dream partner should be like.
ix. Whether joint/nuclear family is preferred (to be filled up by wife)
x. What I can stand and cannot stand
xi. A day in my life : complete list of activities and events from morning till night on an average day. (this will help the other party know how the writer spends his/her day)
xii. Expectations related to kids. (Qty, education, dreams that u have about kids)
xiii. Expectations related to sex life. (style, type and frequency (times in a week), what u prefer, what not preferred)
xiv. Expectations related to social life
xv. A page on “The worst mistakes I made in life”
xvi. Hate list : things that I just cannot stand. (for eg : Drinking , non-veg, gutkha, etc)
h. A final document before marriage happens : Both should be made to sign a spouse character certificate that goes something like :
i. “I have interacted with him/her and find him/her peace loving and lovable and also compatible. I will not hesitate to spend my entire life with him/her.”
i. All above documents must be made compulsory. Entering into marriage without those document should be regarded as a severe offence and both should be liable to be jailed.
j. After marriage is solemnized, continuously for a period of 2 years, the husband and wife should sign documents and provide them to the legal authority that they are both happy and have no complaints. This should be done every 3 months for the entire duration.

All above checks and counter checks will make sure that marriage are not so casually and suddenly planned as it happens now a days. Also, it will be made sure that no party is hiding anything from the other party. Also, it will ensure that nothing is hidden from either party in terms of social , economic, physical, sexual and other parameters – no party will get “surprises” from the other party after marriage (or very few surprises, in worst cases). Neither the bride’s nor the groom’s parents should force the other party to “quickly fix up a suitable date” for the marriage. In short, marriage process should be lengthy and should ascertain Reasonably high compatibility between husband and wife before marriage itself.
12. Advantages of above system : a boy and girl will marry only if they are both satisfied that they are compatible. Also, later if deviations (behavioral) from the above declarations are found, the aggrieved party can photograph/record the deviations in behavior and produce that as proof in court and demand a divorce. For eg : The husband has declared before marriage (in the above form) that he does not drink and does not intend to drink later in his life. The wife, one fine day, finds him drinking out of his mind. She may take photos (with a calendar placed close to the husband ) to prove the date on which he was drinking and produce that as evidence in the court and also demand a divorce and some amount for damages. ) He will be held guilty of declaring false information before marriage and made to pay damages, even sent to jail in cases where cruelty is proven. Same logic husband can use against wife. If she says in the form that she is simple and good natured person and in reality she abuses and harasses the husband verbally every now and then. He can record all her shouting secretly and produce that in court and demand immediate relief from the marriage and torture. She will have to admit her guilt (as her abuse is on record) pay fine and might even be jailed.

13. Just after Marriage : Just after the marriage a detailed document should be prepared that enlists the gifts given by each party’s side to the couple. They should be clearly identified as “gifts” so that they are not later interpreted as dowry. This will make sure that false allegations are not done later for the same articles. The document must be submitted to a legal authority as proof of recp of gifts.
14. Legal education must be made compulsory from 11th std onwards for all streams. People are so ignorant about law that
a. They don’t know definition of terms like cruelty/intimidation and its legal implications. (I am sure no boy will want to get married if he reads about the Domestic Violence Act J or IPC 498A)
b. a person involved in a 498A case does not know meaning of terms like petitioner and respondent or things like “misc application” or “bail”.
c. What terms like “dowry” mean : what will happen of a person does not maintain documents of gifts recd during marriage and gets it signed from wife.
d. They don’t know what IPC / Cr. P.C stands for and what provisions are made in it.
By educating the masses about law, it will be ensured that people atleast know what they are doing and what are the legal implications of what they are doing.

15. By end of senior collage level, students should be well versed with IPC and Criminal PC and should be updated on the latest amendments specifically to laws relating to Divorce, Marriage, Cruelty, Dowry. The husband or wife should never be caught in a situation like “ I did not know what I was doing is cruelty and punishable offence”.
16. Females should also be well versed with concepts of cruelty and know that they can also do equal if not more cruelty to the husband by their nagging/emotional torture, verbal abuse and emotional abuse. It is because of them that husbands cannot retire early and lead a peaceful life.
17. A compulsory subject on Domestic violence should be there for all streams of senior collage : so that the students coming out of collage (particularly males) are not machines but gentlemen and treats female counter parts with respect. Same logic applies to females : they should know that they are no marrying to the “king” of their dreams but an ordinary human being who can get wild at times. (just as they get emotional and wild at times)

18. This is the time when spiritual learning has assumed paramount importance. Concept of Karma, paap, punya, effects of doing evil karma, concepts of hevan and hell as explain in Garud pooraan, Das Bodh, Geeta, Nath Bhagwat etc should be taught to students at junior and senoir collage level. The message is clear : if you do evil you will get evil. This message should be well understood by girls so that they know that by harassing elder people by false allegations they are building up a lot of evil karma the effects of which later they will have to face – the law of karma always works – be it satya yoog or kali yoog.Transliteration of those spiritual books should be made compulsory for study from 11th std upto the last year of senior collage. Every Hindu must be well aware of teachings of the Geeta : This great book should be compulsory to all streams : be it medicine, engineering. Other books like “The Tibetan book of the Dead” should be encouraged. Main idea here is to instill fear for doing evil.

]]> Comment on reallife problem is another victim (BPD) by praveen http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/03/21/reallife-problem-is-another-victim-bpd/#comment-80 praveen Sun, 16 Apr 2006 12:16:35 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=86#comment-80 Lots of indian women consider it their birthright to keep their husbands in control.Majority of men in urban India,are living a life doing everything their wives demand.That includes verbal & emotional abuse.They use threats of implication in false domestic violence cases often. One day a man will have to say enough is enough and fight back or live a life of slavery. Lots of indian women consider it their birthright to keep their husbands in control.Majority of men in urban India,are living a life doing everything their wives demand.That includes verbal & emotional abuse.They use threats of implication in false domestic violence cases often.
One day a man will have to say enough is enough and fight back or live a life of slavery.

]]> Comment on Regional SIF-Groups for everyone by Sanjay Kharche http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/01/17/regional-sif-groups-for-everyone/#comment-35 Sanjay Kharche Mon, 03 Apr 2006 14:46:04 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=43#comment-35 My name is Sanjay Kharche, latest victim of 498A. The woman wants money, lots of it, which I do not have. How can we protest, and what can we do? Please advise, any help appreciated. My name is Sanjay Kharche, latest victim of 498A. The woman wants money, lots of it, which I do not have. How can we protest, and what can we do? Please advise, any help appreciated.

]]> Comment on those who do not know the wrath of 498a by Tejinder http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/02/22/those-who-do-not-know-the-wrath-of-498a/#comment-30 Tejinder Thu, 23 Mar 2006 17:30:13 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=72#comment-30 Women organisations have struggled a lot for making such laws. Clever police officers, lawyers and judges (mostly men) are taking undue advantage of these laws. It is these people who are the real beneficiaries. They extort money from husbands' families and sexually exploit such estraged wives. We can change these laws only if we resolve to fight against all these persons, be ready to make any kind of sacrifice and not to make compromises by paying money. Make immediate complaints to all the highest authorities like President of India whenever some police officer or judge favour one part. Women organisations have struggled a lot for making such laws. Clever police officers, lawyers and judges (mostly men) are taking undue advantage of these laws. It is these people who are the real beneficiaries. They extort money from husbands’ families and sexually exploit such estraged wives. We can change these laws only if we resolve to fight against all these persons, be ready to make any kind of sacrifice and not to make compromises by paying money. Make immediate complaints to all the highest authorities like President of India whenever some police officer or judge favour one part.

]]> Comment on Jessica Lal murder case and IPC-498a misuse by Tejinder http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/02/23/jessica-lal-murder-case-and-ipc-498a-misuse/#comment-29 Tejinder Thu, 23 Mar 2006 17:20:34 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=73#comment-29 I fully agree with you and appreciate your views. Our media always follows beaten track. Police and courts are doing injustice to thousands of people every day.Just by reopening one Jessica case or making superficial amendments in Crpc does not mean that our criminal judicial system has improved. Not only the police but the judges and lawyers also act as brokers/pimps and indulge in extortion/sex scandal in the name of helping women. (they are exploiting women too!). Unfortunately they have been successful in fooling public and the media. I fully agree with you and appreciate your views. Our media always follows beaten track. Police and courts are doing injustice to thousands of people every day.Just by reopening one Jessica case or making superficial amendments in Crpc does not mean that our criminal judicial system has improved. Not only the police but the judges and lawyers also act as brokers/pimps and indulge in extortion/sex scandal in the name of helping women. (they are exploiting women too!). Unfortunately they have been successful in fooling public and the media.

]]> Comment on if things don’t go my way I’m filing a 498a by Vinay Kumar http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/03/16/if-things-dont-go-my-way-im-filing-a-498a/#comment-28 Vinay Kumar Sat, 18 Mar 2006 12:06:43 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=84#comment-28 Hi, Satya, You are right in your observation. The girls who wants their husband and inlaws to dance on their tune and if fail the result is false 498a . She is really insure and has seen at her home her father dancing on her mother tone. At least in my case, this fits 200% Vinay Kumar Hi, Satya,
You are right in your observation. The girls who wants their husband and inlaws to dance on their tune and if fail the result is false 498a . She is really insure and has seen at her home her father dancing on her mother tone. At least in my case, this fits 200%

Vinay Kumar

]]> Comment on No eyewitnesses or evidence is required for 498a!! by suresh http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/03/04/no-eyewitnesses-or-evidence-is-required-for-498a/#comment-26 suresh Sun, 05 Mar 2006 14:19:53 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=80#comment-26 T my knowledgw no eyewitness or evidence is required for any offence including murder at the stage of giving information or filing FIR. It is for the police investigate and find out the truth It is not mandatory for police to arrest the accused. He can file charge sheet without arresting the accused. T my knowledgw no eyewitness or evidence is required for any offence including murder at the stage of giving information or filing FIR.

It is for the police investigate and find out the truth

It is not mandatory for police to arrest the accused. He can file charge sheet without arresting the accused.

]]> Comment on Ends of Justice ! by suresh http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/02/18/ends-of-justice/#comment-24 suresh Wed, 22 Feb 2006 19:12:02 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=69#comment-24 Dear Sir The root cause for the state of affairs is Mr Advani who brought this law. He was against repelling POTA but the law now is scrapped but parliment was bombed. Please ask him to think how much damage this 498 a is doing to the society. Just in the last month about 10 cases were quashed by delhi high court after taking an undertaking from the Complainant wife (Having settled the "CRULTY" for money) and recordingthe amount paid by the accused groom also. BJP has killed the institution of marriage in india and talks about Hindutva Please use your good offices with the party and atleast ensure the law is not abused Thanks Dear Sir

The root cause for the state of affairs is Mr Advani who brought this law. He was against repelling POTA but the law now is scrapped but parliment was bombed.

Please ask him to think how much damage this 498 a is doing to the society.

Just in the last month about 10 cases were quashed by delhi high court after taking an undertaking from the Complainant wife (Having settled the “CRULTY” for money) and recordingthe amount paid by the accused groom also.

BJP has killed the institution of marriage in india and talks about Hindutva

Please use your good offices with the party and atleast ensure the law is not abused

Thanks

]]> Comment on those who do not know the wrath of 498a by suresh http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/02/22/those-who-do-not-know-the-wrath-of-498a/#comment-23 suresh Wed, 22 Feb 2006 19:02:46 +0000 http://www.498a.org/blog/?p=72#comment-23 You see the High Court is negotiating place for this law!!! IN THE HIGH COURT OF DELHI AT NEW DELHI 10.01.2006 Present: Mr. B.S. Chowdhary for the petitioner. Mr. Pawan Sharma for the State. + Bail Appln. No. 1804/2004 By this application under section 438 Cr.P.C., petitioner is seeking anticipatory bail in case FIR No.411/04 under section 498A/406 IPC, P.S. Sarojini Nagar. Prosecution allegations are that on 22.1.2003 petitioner was married to the complainant. Marriage between the parties could not succeed. Complainant was thrown out of the matrimonial home on 16.3.2003. Out of the wedlock one female child was born who is living with the complainant. Learned counsel for the petitioner argued that articles have already been returned and petitioner is ready and willing to deposit a sum of Rs.40,000/- to satisfy complainant's claim for unrecovered articles of stridhan. Learned APP for the State submits that conciliation proceedings between the parties have not succeed; articles of stridhan including jewellery worth about Rs.1,89,000/- are yet to be recovered, therefore, custodial interrogation of the petitioner is required as other co-accused in the case are already on anticipatory bail. Truth can be ascertained only during investigations. All other accused have been granted anticipatory bail. Looking in the nature of allegations and the fact that articles of stridhan including jewellery are yet to be recovered, no case for grant of anticipatory bail is made out. Dismissed. S.K. AGARWAL, J. January 10, 2006 You see the High Court is negotiating place for this law!!!

IN THE HIGH COURT OF DELHI AT NEW DELHI
10.01.2006
Present: Mr. B.S. Chowdhary for the petitioner.
Mr. Pawan Sharma for the State.
+ Bail Appln. No. 1804/2004
By this application under section 438 Cr.P.C., petitioner is seeking anticipatory bail in case FIR No.411/04 under section 498A/406 IPC, P.S. Sarojini Nagar.
Prosecution allegations are that on 22.1.2003 petitioner was married to the complainant. Marriage between the parties could not succeed. Complainant was thrown out of the matrimonial home on 16.3.2003. Out of the wedlock one female child was born who is living with the complainant. Learned counsel for the petitioner argued that articles have already been returned and petitioner is ready and willing to deposit a sum of Rs.40,000/- to satisfy complainant’s claim for unrecovered articles of stridhan. Learned APP for the State submits that conciliation proceedings between the parties have not succeed; articles of stridhan including jewellery worth about Rs.1,89,000/- are yet to be recovered, therefore, custodial interrogation of the petitioner is required as other co-accused in the case are already on anticipatory bail. Truth can be ascertained only during investigations. All other accused have been granted anticipatory bail.
Looking in the nature of allegations and the fact that articles of stridhan including jewellery are yet to be recovered, no case for grant of anticipatory bail is made out.
Dismissed.

S.K. AGARWAL, J.
January 10, 2006

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